A Day Not To Be Forgotten

Today was a good day. I didn’t get to sleep in, but I had a nice morning. I kept myself busy with random things and I made sure to make plans for the weekend. I have to keep busy this weekend. I’ve been doing well, actually, I was doing well, until I tucked my 5 year old into bed. I kissed her little forehead and told her, “I love you and I thank God for you everyday.” To which she quickly responded, “Do you thank him for the baby, even though he kept it in heaven?” And just like that, my world fell apart at her innocent curiosity.

You see, today was my due date. The world went on, everyone’s lives went on, even my husband seems ok and I’m still here just drowning in the grief. We should have been preparing to have a baby, but instead he prepared a meal and I’m working on getting unused things together to sell. I’m working on anything that will keep me busy, spending time with the people who mean the most to me, because these days I never really know what’s going to set off the waterworks. It’s so unlike me, yet it’s who I am becoming.

Most days I’m ok. Some days I’m pissed off. Other days I just don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to deal with people and I want time to myself. Today, well, I’m just heartbroken.

I watch families celebrate their baby’s birthday, women complain about how long their pregnancy is lasting and people obsess over millions of things that have no effect on their life. I want to shake them. Ask them if they’re truly grateful for another day. Remind them to hold their babies that have outgrown their laps. Just read one more story at bedtime, because the truth is, you just never really know what tomorrow holds.

I plaster a smile to my face because I hate to seem so stricken with sadness all the time.  I hate that this is where I am and there is no one of this world that can fix it for me. I know it broke my husband’s heart and I also know he was so concerned about keeping me from falling apart that he was forced to somehow set his feeling aside. He graced me with his love and patience through it all and for that I will always be grateful, but truth be told, it didn’t make the pain go away. They say time heals all wounds, but I think that in time you just learn how to handle it better. I’m finding out others close to me have been through the same thing and whether it’s been days, months or years, the grief never leaves, you just learn to deal with it.

One day we’ll be reunited, but until then, I’ll live with the lessons that I’ve learned through all this. Wake up grateful every day. Use your time wisely. Take the time to listen to the people you love most and make them feel important. Put the phone down. Hug your kids, remind them that they’re awesome. Be thankful for all you have, because it isn’t guaranteed and frankly, sometimes life just isn’t fair.

July 16, 2016 – A Day Not To Be Forgotten